How do we know we are enabling?

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How do we know we are enabling?

04 December, 2020Articles, News

If you have a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict, you’ve probably already heard that you may be an enabler. Al-Anon is an excellent organization which helps loved ones of alcoholics, not only cope with a loved one’s alcoholism, but addresses the role played by loved ones in enabling that behaviour. But how do you know if you are being an enabler or if what you are doing is normal helping? If you find that you have been an enabler, how can you stop?

Let’s talk about the difference between enabling and helping and then we will give you some practical tips and examples on how to stop enabling your alcoholic.

What Is Enabling?

Enabling is defined as doing things for the alcoholic that they normally could and would do for themselves if they were sober. In contrast, helping is doing something that the alcoholic could not or would not do for themselves if sober. Helping does not protect an alcoholic from the consequences of his or her actions. Anything that you do that does protect the alcoholic or addict from the consequences of his or her actions, could be enabling them to delay a decision to get help for their problem. Therefore, it’s in the best interest of the alcoholic, in the long run, if you stop whatever you are doing to enable them. Enabling is not helping.

How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Drug Addict

You may realize at this point that you have been enabling your loved one with alcoholism (though you probably thought you were helping) and wonder how to change. In a way, learning to stop enabling an alcoholic or drug addict is very empowering. We can’t change other people, but we can change our behaviours and reactions towards those people. Here are several practical ways in which you can stop being an enabler today.

Do :

Support recovery efforts

Set boundaries

Let the alcoholic deal with consequences

Don’t :

Make excuses for the alcoholic

Take over personal responsibilities

Save them from legal consequences

Cease Doing Anything That Allows the Alcoholic to Continue Their Current Lifestyle `

Are you working and paying some of the bills that the alcoholic would be paying if he hadn’t lost his job or missed time from work due to drinking? Or are you providing the alcoholic food and shelter? If so, you could be enabling. You are providing them with a “safety net” that allows them to lose or skip a job with no real consequences for those actions.

Do Nothing to “Help” the Alcoholic That They Could or Would Be Doing If Not Drinking

If the alcoholic has lost his license, giving him a ride to an A.A. meeting or a job interview is helping because that is something he cannot do for himself. However, looking up the schedule of meetings in the area, researching the requirements for getting his license back, or searching the classified ads for employment opportunities are things that the alcoholic should be doing for himself.

Stop Lying, Covering Up or Making Excuses for the Alcoholic

Have you ever had this conversation: “Sorry, he can’t come into work today, he has picked up some kind of bug” when in fact he is too hungover to go to work? That conversation is enabling because it is allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of their actions. You might say, “But, he could lose his job!” Losing his job might just be the thing that needs to happen in order for the alcoholic or addict to decide to seek help.

Do Not Take on Responsibilities or Duties That Rightfully Belong to the Alcoholic

Are you doing some of the chores around the house that the alcoholic used to do? Have you taken on parenting responsibilities with your children that the two of you used to share? If you are doing anything that the alcoholic would be doing if she was sober, you are in a way enabling her to avoid her responsibilities.

Do Not Give or Loan the Alcoholic Money

If you are providing money to the alcoholic for any reason, you might as well be going into the alcohol store and buying their booze for them. Buying alcohol for them is enabling behaviour. That’s what you are ultimately doing if you give an alcoholic money, no matter what they say they plan to do with the cash.

Don’t “Rescue” the Alcoholic by Bailing Him Out of Jail or Paying His Fines

Rushing in to rescue the alcoholic may satisfy some personal desire you have to feel “needed,” but it doesn’t really help the situation. It only enables the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of their actions. In Al-Anon, they call it “putting pillows under them” so that they never feel the pain of their mistakes.

Do Not Scold, Argue, or Plead With the Alcoholic

You may think that when you are scolding or berating the alcoholic for their latest episode, that it is anything but enabling, but it actually could be. If the only consequence that they suffer for their actions is a l “verbal spanking” from someone who cares about them, they can slide by without facing any significant consequences.

Do Not React to His Latest Misadventures by Allowing Them to Respond to Your Reaction Rather Than Their Actions

If you say or do something negative in response to the alcoholic’s latest screw-up, then the alcoholic can react to your reaction. If you remain quiet, or if you go on with your life as if nothing has happened, then the alcoholic is left with nothing to respond to except their own actions. If you react negatively, you are giving them an emotional out.

Do Not Try to Drink With the Alcoholic

Many family members, feeling abandoned by the alcoholic because of their love-affair with alcohol, have tried to become part of their world again by trying to drink with them. It rarely works. The alcoholic’s relationship with alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. “Normal drinkers” can rarely keep up.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Saying, “If you don’t quit drinking, I will leave!” is an ultimatum and a threat, but saying, “I will not have drinking in my home” is setting a boundary. You can’t control whether someone quits drinking or not, but you can decide what kind of behaviour you will accept or not accept in your life.

Carefully Explain to the Alcoholic the Boundaries That You Have Set—And Explain That the Boundaries Are for You, Not for Them

One thing that members of Al-Anon learn is that they no longer have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour in their lives. You may not be able to control the behaviour of someone else, but you do have choices when it comes to what you find unacceptable. Setting boundaries is something that you do for your benefit, not to try to control another person’s behaviour. In order to effectively do this, it’s helpful to detach to some degree. Detaching is letting go of another person’s alcohol problem which allows you to look more objectively look at the situation.

When You Stop Being an Enabler

Many times when an alcoholic’s enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees. This can be extremely difficult to accept.

Take some time to learn more about enabling and the family disease of alcoholism, attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It may also be helpful to learn more about the resources and information available for families affected by alcoholism.

Attending Al-Anon in person will help you feel more empowered as you stop enabling, and less alone in the process. Unfortunately, none of us can control what another will do. Yet we do have the power to set boundaries and respect our own lives. Consider 10 things to stop doing if you love an alcoholic that can help you take back your own life whether or not your alcoholic gives up drinking.

If you or anyone close to you needs help with an addiction to sex, gambling, substances, alcohol or food, please contact us for a free assessment.

www.crossroadsrecovery.co.za

074 89 51043 JHB

012 450 5033 PTA

RESOURCES

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-enabling-an-alcoholic-63083

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Treatment for Addiction : The Jellinek Curve Explained.

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Home / Archive by category "News" (Page 76)

Treatment for Addiction : The Jellinek Curve Explained.

02 December, 2020Articles, News

The Jellinek Curve remains a useful tool in understanding why treatment for addiction is necessary, and why will power will not be enough to overcome addiction. The Jellinek Curve outlines the progression of the disease of addiction and is useful as a tool to motivate addicts towards a positive and lasting change, as the addict will be able to identify with the different stages of substance abuse.

The curve was originally created to detail the stages of alcohol addiction and recovery. It has however been adapted to represent all forms of addiction.

Once a person has a clearer understanding of how addiction develops and what recovery from addiction means, they can begin to understand why treatment is necessary for recovery and they can then begin to work on relapse prevention as well.

The Curve was created by E.M. Jellinek who was one of the earliest pioneers of the disease model of addiction. His work has helped to change the way that addiction and recovery are viewed today.

Addiction is defined as a disease by most medical associations, including the American Medical Association and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in the individual pathologically pursuing reward and or relief in substance use and other maladaptive behaviours.

THE PHASES OF THE JELLINEK CURVE

The Crucial Phase :

In this phase the individuals’ drug / alcohol use changes from occasional relief using, to more frequent use. The induvial may become dependent. This means that the individual can no longer function normally without the substance.

During this phase the individual displays deterioration in their physical and mental health. This is also where interpersonal relationships start becoming strained as a result of the persons substance abuse. This is also where the substance abuse starts gaining momentum and moves closer to the Chronic Phase as the use becomes more compulsive.

Characteristics of Crucial Phase:

Black outs increase
Decrease in ability to stop drinking/using when others do
Urgency of the first use of substance
Increase in substance tolerance
Persistence of remorse and guilt feelings
Promises and resolutions fail
Family and friends avoided
Loss of ordinary will power
Tremors and early morning use

The Chronic Phase :

In the chronic phase, substance abuse has reached compulsive use levels and complete loss of control over the use or behaviour is evident. In this state the individual is unable to stop or reduce their use despite multiple attempts. This is where self will, will cease to be sufficient to overcome the substance abuse.

Obsessive thoughts, urges and cravings overshadow most the of the individual’s thoughts and other daily functions. This is also where the individual has exhausted every possible reason for their abuse of substances and can no longer justify their use once they have reached this stage of compulsion.

This is also where the individual will start to experience consequences of their substance abuse, such as the negative effects on the body, mind, relationships and also often on their careers. As they feel the effects of these consequences, many turn back to the substance in order to cope, therefore feeding the addiction in a negative loop.

It is at this stage where the addict falls deeper into the addiction and on the Jellinek Curve becomes trapped in the vicious cycle of obsessive drinking or using. The person may also experience withdrawals if they try to stop using on their own.

This is usually where the addict has reached what is known as rock bottom, and the feeling of hopelessness allows them to seek a need for change and thus the opportunity for recovery.

Characteristics of Chronic Phase

Moral deterioration
Onset of lengthy intoxication
Impaired thinking
Obsession with using or drinking
Complete defeat admitted
Unable to initiate action

Rehabilitation Phase :

This is when the individual has reached a stage where there is a sincere desire for help. It is at this critical stage where the addict or alcoholic will learn that addiction is a disease or illness and learn that this way of living can be changed.

This is where the person sees that a life without substance abuse is possible and sobriety can be achieved. With the knowledge of the harm that the addiction has caused themselves and others, the individual is motivated to work towards sobriety.

This happens when a person builds strength and hope and soon overcomes their fears. As they heal from the addiction the physical, mental and spiritual harms have to be addressed. Therapy, medical care, spiritual guidance and other treatment which are offered at addiction treatment facilities and rehabilitation centres is crucial at this time.

Characteristics of Rehabilitation Phase

Honest desire for help
Told addiction can be arrested
Learns addiction is an illness
Stops using substance
Spiritual needs explained
Onset of new hope
Start group therapy
Return of self-esteem
Natural rest and sleep
Increase of emotional control

A noticeable and interesting fact about the Jellinek Curve is that the recovery side does not flatten out on the top which could represent the fact that recovery does not “flatten out” and is filled with endless personal growth.

It is important to note that “…. most individuals do not always have to hit a rock bottom, in order for them to recover. An induvial can seek help, and begin their recovery at any stage of the substance use disorder….”

If you or anyone close to you needs help with an addiction to sex, gambling, substances, alcohol or food, please contact us for a free assessment.

www.crossroadsrecovery.co.za

074 89 51043 JHB

012 450 5033 PTA

Resources :

National Institute on Drug Abuse www.drugabuse.gov

Journal of studies on Alcohol and Drugs www.jsad.com